Wedding Etiquette
You are getting married! Congratulations! There are few events in life more exciting than celebrating your wedding and life together. Trillium Paper can help you share the happy news, invite friends to celebrate with you at the wedding and reception, and provide you with the perfect stationery items to make your wedding day unique and your memories long-lasting.
Our variety of designs, ranging from sophisticated and classic to stylish and contemporary, will allow you to select fine wedding and personal stationery to express your unique style. You will find a selection of varying printing types to enhance your design, from the exquisite and elegant letter press, to classic and timeless raised print thermography, to contemporary and trendy flat digital printing.
With each wedding invitation design, we offer a suite of coordinating card items to meet all of your nuptial stationery needs - Save the Dates, Reception Cards, Response Cards, Thank you Notes, Place Cards and Invitations addressing all events from the Bridal Showers to the Day-After-Wedding Brunch! We have everything you need to create a memorable look and a memorable wedding day!
In addition, we have several design and etiquette advisors on staff to be of assistance to you with selection, wording, etiquette, and product advice. It is our goal to make selecting and ordering your wedding stationery as relaxing and enjoyable as possible.
Using proper etiquette doesn’t need to be stressful or intimidating – our advisors are familiar with and comfortable sharing the correct and appropriate formats and courtesies called for by significant events such as weddings. We are here to help you, and would be delighted to offer our expertise to assist you!
There are several questions that we are asked often; you will find them below, along with our helpful hints.
It’s All About the Invitations
When should I order the wedding invitations?
There are many decisions involved in choosing your invitations, including design, quantity, invitation wording, invitation set up and proof approval, printing, delivery, etc. You want to leave enough time so that you can receive your wedding invitations, have all the envelopes addressed, and have them in the mail 8 weeks before the wedding. Many brides choose to order their wedding invitations as soon as possible to allow themselves plenty of time to post them.
How many wedding invitations should I order?
You and your fiancé will need to decide how many people will be invited to your wedding. This will depend on a number of factors, and only you can decide what the limiting factor(s) will be. What is your budget? How many guests will the wedding location hold? How many guests can the reception venue accommodate? Do you want to have a small, intimate wedding ceremony with only close family and friends, or a large, festive wedding with hundreds of guests?
Once you agree upon your guest list, you simply need to determine to how many households you will be sending wedding invitations. Each couple or household receives one invitation, as does each child over the age of 18. It is recommended that you order several extra invitations (usually 15 or more) in order to allow for guests that may have been initially overlooked, guests that can be accommodated as regrets arrive, and for keepsakes for family and the bridal party. (Don’t forget to send a wedding and reception invitation to your Officiant and his/her guest!)
Whom do I invite to the wedding ceremony?
As mentioned previously, the guests who will receive a wedding invitation depend on a number of factors, including budget, venues, and personal choice. You and your fiancé will need to discuss whether or not you wish to invite co-workers, college friends, neighbors, extended family, friends of the family, children, and others.
The persons attending your wedding should be those you think will be genuinely delighted in your happiness and attending in order to witness and share in the joy of your wedding day. There is no “correct” answer to the question of who should receive an invitation – invite the people with whom your day will be complete.
That said, it is courteous and considered proper etiquette if a single friend is invited, and he/she is in a relationship, that their significant other will also be invited. In addition, it is correct to include their partner’s name on the invitation, not just write “and Guest”.
Why are there so many cards and enclosures needed with the wedding invitation?
The purpose of the wedding invitation “packet” is not only to invite special guests to witness your marriage, but also to share many important information items: the names of the bride and groom, the names of the hosts of the event, when and where the wedding will take place, whether or not one has been invited to a reception, when and where the reception will take place, to what address the reply card will be sent and by what date, to what address a wedding gift can be sent, maps to the venues, etc. A significant amount of information can be relayed to recipients in a lovely, elegant (and efficient!) manner by following standard protocol for wedding invitation phrasing.
What is the correct wording for wedding invitations?
A typical wedding invitation, when the bride’s parents are hosting the event, would be printed as follows:
Mr. and Mrs. John Smith
(The Hosts)
request the honour of your presence
(Request Line, this format used when wedding is taking place in a house of worship)
at the marriage of their daughter
(Request Line)
Mary Susan
(Bride’s first and middle names)
to
(Joining Clause)
Mr. James Edward Brown
(Groom’s full name and title)
Saturday, the sixth of June
(Day, date and month)
two thousand and nine
(Year is spelled out - is not required, but nice for keepsake purposes)
at half after six o’clock
(Time – a.m. or p.m. is never stated)
Saint John’s Church
(Location – abbreviations are always spelled out)
1 Main Street
(Street Address)
Cincinnati , Ohio
(City, State)
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If the Groom’s Parents are hosting the event, and if the event is taking place at a place other than a house of worship (such as a Country Club, Home, Reception Hall, etc.), a slightly different format is used. Note that the Bride’s name is still listed first:
Doctor and Mrs. Jordan Howard Brown
(The Hosts)
request the pleasure of your company
(Request Line, this format used when wedding is not taking place in a house of worship)
at the marriage of
(Request Line)
Mary Susan Jones
(Bride’s full name)
to their son
(Joining Clause)
James Edward
(Groom’s first and middle names)
Saturday, the sixth of June
(Day, date and month)
two thousand and nine
(Year is not required, but nice for keepsake purposes)
at half after six o’clock
(Time – a.m. or p.m. is never stated)
Royal Oaks Country Club
(Location)
2347 Oak Lane
(Street Address)
Cincinnati , Ohio
(City, State)
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If the Bride and Groom are hosting the wedding themselves, the invitation would read as follows:
The honour of your presence
(Request line – format for house of worship)
is requested at the marriage of
(Request line)
Miss Mary Susan Jones
(Bride’s full name and title)
to
(Joining Clause)
Mr. James Edward Brown
(Groom’s full name and title)
Saturday, the sixth of June
(Day, date and month)
two thousand and nine
(Year is spelled out – is not required, but nice for keepsake purposes)
at four o’clock
(Time – a.m. or p.m. is never stated)
Saint John’s Church
(Location – abbreviations are always spelled out)
1 Main Street
(Street Address)
Cincinnati , Ohio
(City, State)
OR
Miss Mary Susan Jones
(Bride’s full name and title)
and
(Joining Clause)
Mr. James Edward Brown
(Groom’s full name and title)
request the honour of your presence
(Request line – format for house of worship)
at their marriage
(Request line)
Saturday, the sixth of June
(Day, date and month)
two thousand and nine
(Year is spelled out – is not required, but nice for keepsake purposes)
at ten o’clock in the morning
(Time – a.m. or p.m. is never stated)
Saint John’s Church
(Location – abbreviations are always spelled out)
1 Main Street
(Street Address)
Cincinnati , Ohio
(City, State)
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If the Bride’s parents are divorced,
Mrs. Margaret Brown Smith
Mr. John Howard Smith
(The Hosts)
request the honour of your presence
(Request Line, this format used when wedding is taking place in a house of worship)
at the marriage of their daughter
(Request Line)
Mary Susan
(Bride’s first and middle names)
Etc.
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If the Bride’s parents are divorced, and mother has remarried, and the bride feels very close to her stepfather,
Mr. and Mrs. Robert Michael Johnson
and
Mr. John Howard Smith
(The Hosts)
request the honour of your presence
(Request Line, this format used when wedding is taking place in a house of worship)
at the marriage of their daughter
(Request Line)
Mary Susan Smith
(Bride’s full name)
Etc.
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There are many, many more scenarios that we would be more than happy to discuss with you. We would love to help you create the perfect invitation with text that is informative, thoughtful, and courteous.
Our wedding will be held at 2:30 p.m.; what is the correct way to indicate the time on the invitation?
The time of a wedding on a formal invitation is always spelled out. In your case your wedding invitation could read “two-thirty in the afternoon” or “half after two o’clock”. A formal invitation does not use “a.m.” or “p.m.”. Any time before noon is considered morning, any time before 6 p.m. is considered afternoon, and after 6 p.m. is considered evening. If it is obvious when the wedding will be (for instance, “four o’clock” is clearly intended to mean in the afternoon, no one would be marrying at four o’clock in the morning), then it is not even necessary to list “in the afternoon”.
Which is correct – using “honor” or “honour”?
The phrase, “the honor of your presence” can also be used as “the honour of your presence” and is just as correct. It is simply a matter of personal preference. If, however, you also use the word “favor” in your wedding stationery, for instance, “a favour of a reply”, then the spelling of “favor” should be consistent with your choice of spelling for “honor” (honour/honor, favour, favor).
Why are there two envelopes with the wedding invitation? How do I address each one, and how do I tell the difference? What if children are invited?
Many years ago, one’s mail was delivered to the house and often received by a servant – a butler, perhaps – who removed the soiled exterior envelope and presented the clean, pristine inner envelope containing the invitation to the lady of the house. Upon this inner envelope would only be written the names of the persons who were invited to the event, as the address on this inner envelope was unnecessary.
Although very few of us employ butlers these days, this tradition of double envelopes remains. The outer envelope is addressed to the guests at their home address and sealed. The envelopes are always hand-written with black ink, never addressed with labels. There are no abbreviations used – “P.O. Box” is written out as Post Office Box, ”St.” is Street, etc. Full titles and names are used, for instance:
Mr. and Mrs. John Howard Smith
123 Elm Street
Their City, Ohio 12345
On the inner envelope, only the titles and last names are used, and the envelope remains unsealed. For instance, for our above example, Mr. and Mrs. John Howard Smith, the inner envelope would be addressed simply as:
Mr. and Mrs. Smith
No first names appear.
If children are invited to the wedding, their names do not appear on the outer envelope, but instead are written underneath their parents’ names on the inner envelope:
Mr. and Mrs. Smith
Samuel, Eliza, and Kathleen
Do I include on the wedding invitation that no children are invited?
It is not considered to be proper etiquette to state “no children” or “adults only” on the wedding invitation. Guests should discern that their children are not invited if their names do not appear on the invitation envelope. That said, it may be prudent to have a conversation with some friends and family who can help spread the word that the wedding and reception are to be for adults only.
What color paper is considered to be appropriate for a formal wedding?
Traditional, formal wedding invitations are usually white or ecru (off-white), with black or dark gray text. A less formal wedding invitation may incorporate different colors of paper or typestyles with which to express your personal style and/or reflect a wedding theme (a wedding held on the beach, for instance).
How long before the wedding should the invitations be mailed?
Standard etiquette calls for wedding invitations to be mailed 6 – 8 weeks before the wedding. In times of heavy postal service (the holiday season), or accommodation demand, it would be wise to mail the invitations sooner rather than later.
Do I need a separate Reception card?
If your reception is being held at the same venue as your wedding, you do not need a separate reception card. You can simply add the line “and afterwards at the reception” or “and afterward at the reception” to the bottom of the invitation as the last line. In this case, your invitation could read as follows:
The pleasure of your company
(Request line – format for non-house of worship)
is requested at the marriage of
(Request line)
Miss Mary Susan Jones
(Bride’s full name and title)
to
(Joining Clause)
Mr. James Edward Brown
(Groom’s full name and title)
Saturday, the sixth of June
(Day, date and month)
two thousand and nine
(Year is spelled out – is not required, but nice for keepsake purposes)
at half after five o’clock
(Time – a.m. or p.m. is never stated)
Cedar Hills Country Club
(Location – abbreviations are always spelled out)
2356 Cedar Hills Lane
(Street Address)
Cincinnati , Ohio
(City, State)
and afterwards at the reception
(used when reception is to be held at same location)
If your reception will be held at another location, then a reception card would be sent with and in addition to the wedding invitation. It is usually a smaller version of the wedding invitation, incorporating the same paper, design and typestyle. The format would be as follows:
Reception
immediately following the ceremony
Hollow Oaks Country Club
Wooded Valley, Ohio
What is the best way for guests to Rsvp?
Most hosts are choosing to use a reply card, included in the wedding packet as a convenience to their guests. A typical set up for a reply card, again similar in design, paper, and text to the wedding and reception invitation, would be:
M __________________________
will ________ attend
The favour of a reply is requested
before the twenty-fifth of May
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
OR
M __________________________
______ will attend
______ will not attend
The favour of a reply is requested
before the twenty-fifth of May
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
OR
The favour of a reply
is requested before the twenty-fifth of May
M __________________________
will ______ attend
It is proper to include a pre-addressed, stamped envelope with the reply card.
How soon before the wedding should I ask guests to RSVP?
It is traditional to ask guests to RSVP approximately two weeks before the wedding. This can be adjusted somewhat if catering or venue requirements are necessary before the two week window.
What if I haven’t heard from some guests? Can I assume they’re not coming?
Unfortunately, not everyone responds in a timely manner to reply cards, and sometimes things do get misplaced on the way to the post office. If you have not heard from some of the invited guests, it would benefit your ability to plan to make phone calls to follow up and learn of the guests’ plans to attend or not attend the wedding and/or reception.
What is the proper order for fitting everything into the wedding invitation envelopes?
Although it may seem confusing, the order in which all of the invitations, envelopes, cards, etc. are placed in the inner envelope is really quite simple. Starting from the bottom, create a stack of cards as follows:
Largest, and on the bottom: The wedding invitation (face up)
Next to the invitation: The reception card (if you are using one; face up)
On top of the reception card: The reply envelope, placed face down
On top of the reply envelope: The reply card, slipped under the flap of the reply envelope
Then this stack is slipped into the inner envelope. Holding the stack in your right hand, right side up, slip the stack into the inner envelope held with your left hand, flap to the right. You will know that you have it in correctly if you can pull the invitation and enclosures out of the envelope with your right hand and be able to read them without turning them.
This inner envelope, addressed as discussed above with only the names of the guests invited to the wedding, is slipped into the outer envelope. Again, holding the empty, outer envelope with your left hand, insert the inner envelope, (flap folded over) face up into the outer. You will know that you have done it correctly if you can hold the outer envelope with your left hand, pull the inner envelope out with your right hand and be able to read the names of the guests without turning the envelope.
Everything you Always Wanted to Know About Save-The-Date Cards
Does the Save-the-Date card need to match my wedding invitation?
The Save-the-Date card does not need to match the wedding invitation. Some brides like to coordinate their wedding stationery suite, and will choose Save-the-Date cards that have been designed to complement their wedding invitation, reception card and reply card. Other brides opt for a more informal look for the Save-the-Date, using bursts of color on their stationery or perhaps even including an engagement photo of the couple. There is a wide variety of formats, text styles, design elements, paper sizes and printing processes from which to choose. Enjoy!
Is it absolutely necessary to send Save-The-Date Cards?
It is becoming more and more expected, especially when a wedding is going to be held at a distant location or during a busy season such as holidays or vacation, to send “Save the Date” cards to the guests who will be invited to the wedding. Each person who receives a “Save the Date” card should also be invited to the wedding when the formal invitations are mailed.
What information needs to be included on Save-the-Date Cards?
The Save the Date information is very brief – included are the names of the bride and groom, and the date of the wedding. There is usually a statement that says “Formal invitation to follow”. If the wedding is being held in another city, it is courteous to name the city and state where the wedding will be taking place, and many guests find it helpful to receive accommodation information, either through paper inserts or by visiting a wedding information website listed on the card.
How long before the wedding should the Save-the-Date cards be mailed out?
Save the Date cards can be mailed three months to a year before the actual wedding date. Any sooner than three months is too close to the wedding to be effective; any more than a year is too far in advance to expect to have the guest list set.
Do guests need to RSVP when they get the Save-the-Date cards?
There is no response expected from the guests when they receive their Save-the-Date cards. The goal is simply to have them hold the date open as you will be inviting them to your wedding. They can RSVP once the formal wedding invitation has been received.
The Wedding Announcement
What’s the difference between the Wedding Announcement and the Wedding Invitation? Do I need both?
A wedding invitation is a way for you to request a guest to attend your wedding. A wedding announcement shares the news of your wedding after the event to those unable to attend the wedding, such as friends and family who could not travel to the event, who had conflicting plans, or who, because of size and space limitations, could not be invited.
The wedding announcement is traditionally printed in the same style as the wedding invitation, using similar paper and typestyle. Double envelopes are used, just as with the wedding invitation, and addressed using the same formats.
The wedding is traditionally announced by the bride’s parents, although it is also proper for the bride and groom to announce their wedding themselves. An example of a wedding announcement is as follows:
Mr. and Mrs. John Smith
have the honor of
announcing the marriage of their daughter
Mary Susan
to
Mr. James Edward Brown
Saturday, the sixth of June
Two thousand and nine
Cincinnati , Ohio
When should the wedding announcements be put in the mail?
Ideally, the wedding announcements are mailed the day of the wedding, after the actual ceremony takes place. As this may not be practical, it is acceptable to have them mailed the next day, but as soon as possible after the ceremony. This is a great task to assign one of the wedding party to take care of while you are on your way to the reception or departing for your honeymoon.
The Thank You Note
When is it appropriate to send a thank you note?
A thank you note should be sent whenever you receive a kindness from anyone, be it a gift or a hospitable action. A personal note is a wonderful way to express appreciation for a friend who hosts a shower, a bridesmaid who spends a day traveling all over town with you to find the perfect pair of wedding shoes, and of course, a beautiful wedding gift.
Many people feel intimidated by the thought of writing a “correct” thank you note, but a sincere expression of appreciation and gratitude is all that is really needed, and when issued from the heart, is very easy to put onto paper.
There are a few simple points to address in a thank you note:
- The thank you should always be hand-written in dark blue or black ink and personalized;
- The note should mention the specific gift;
- The note should mention how you plan to use the gift;
- The thank you should close with a warm expression of appreciation.
An example of a thank you note for a gift of a china place setting from one of your close friends:
Dear Jen,
Thank you so very much for the place setting of our formal china. Dan and I can’t wait to have a special dinner party and enjoy a delicious meal on our new beautiful dishes! It will be fun to have you and the rest of our friends spend an evening with us.
With much appreciation,
Niki
In addition, each gift should be acknowledged with its own note. If you receive a gift from Aunt Sally at your bridal shower and also receive a gift from Aunt Sally as a wedding gift, a separate thank you note should be written for each gift.
How long do I have to send out the thank you notes?
Thank you notes should be sent as soon as possible after receiving the gift. It is considered to be good etiquette to have shower gift notes written and mailed within two weeks of the shower, certainly before the wedding.
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